Times like this I use Xanga as a virtual punching bag to talk when I want to talk yet don;t particularly want feedback. Hence, I can't talk to myself since people then look at you strangely, nor can I talk to even my best friends, because they then apply input, which I do not want.
These days, I have been more social, only incidentally. Thanks to xbox Live, I chat with KyuubiKit and Maverick Knight on an almost daily basis. Since these are the people I feel most comfortable with speaking to, other than J, I am content. I still hang out with my other friends, remain healthy with my coworkers, and confident with my peers. Really, the need to blog as much has diminished. But, as we can see, I have not kicked the site, nor do I wish too. Even now I prefer to use a journal, even digital, to recollect my feelings and thoughts, and thankfully relieve some stress when there are few optimal options.
I suppose I can whine here too, since to most people I am a cyncial and harsh person who speaks very formally and argues for the sake of arguing. To those I prefer to call friends I am more jovial and relaxed around, and frequent expressing wit and humor. However, right now I am neither, and, frankly, upset over a few things. The things themselves are minor and old issues, and while my pent-up frustrations are nothign new, I normally am able to release them and start fresh, until I fill up again. Like a bucket too full of stagnant water.
I just need to find a release for now. Something satisfying, or at least someone willing to hear me rant and not cast judgement.
It's funny, complain about something broken, and nobody cares. But, when you say, 'since no one cares to fix this, I will light this on fire and rebuild it from scratch myself' suddenly everyone cares.
Somehow, it all seems funnier out of context.
In another context, its funny how many changes of perspective I attain during the day. In the morning I start out drowsy and incoherent Sleepy Nick, then I suit up, go to work after my tea, then become Banker Nick, then I go home, change into pants, shirt, and jacket, and go to school and become Student Nick (complete with deadline pushing and graduating status), then I come home, eat dinner, surf the web and/or become Gamer Nick (aka Oni Black Mage).
Some of us have parents, bosses, and friends who simply ignore or accept us for who we are, and for whatever reason allow us to grow our own way, for better or worse. Some of us have that same crowd burden us with expecations. Depending on who you are, ou can either try to ignore them and fight them, or you and attempt to shoulder it all and rise to the challenge.... for me, I belong to the latter.
This train of thought came along when today my former boss (the one who gave me a chance and hired me for the bank even though I had NO experience doing anything vaguely related, and to that I am grateful. For that and many reasons he is the best boss I have ever had the pleasure of working for) contacted me last week with a position as assistant to him. Now, I know for a fact that ever since he was promoted to the Wealth & Investment division (the people who deal with our super-rich clients) that he as been making loads of money, tied with how I know my supervisor has no intention of promoting me because that means I can replace her, I have been considering a job change since my 3 years of being a branch banker. In fact, I already let my boss know last summer that this coming spring I would be seeking a new position elsewhere. Incidently my new boss has always been supportive of me, letting me get away with just about anything, and covering my back whenever I was in serious trouble. He is a sincerely cool guy, but my first boss just had this ‘precense’ that I could sense and deeply respected. For that along I would love to work directly for him in an assistance-ship (not to mention the pay grade is likely inherently higher than man and no doubt so too are the hours). Now, while working with another manager at the time he happened to drop by, I got advice by the other manager that my first boss is a great guy, I should take the position, but keep hush-hush about it. Later, my first boss says that he knows that sort of stuff is not my style and advised me on how to tactfully handle it. And you know what I appreciate someone who not only knows how I prefer to handle things, but is ok with it and is willing to work with my style. That is a boss I respect.
Anyway, he said I didn’t need to worry about much opposition or corporate bullshit getting in my way because ‘everybody liked me’. Now, that is nice and all, and while I know a long list of clients who I have personally pissed off (either involuntarily, or in spite), not everyone in the bank favors me. Still, I can say I have made a lot of friends and contacts, not to mention people who owe me favors and I made sure remember that. Somehow, him saying that brought back memories of a former supervisor of mine, the one who helped me and guided me so well I thought of her as a second mom. She too had great expectations of me and figured I would go far. Then that reminded me of my own parents. My sisters aside, it is without a doubt me my parents place so much pressure on to excel. Ever since I was little, I was pushed and raised to try my hardest to meet some sort of grand stature. Like I was being groomed for something. However, my innate stubbornness and moodiness really brought out my academic excellence. I did not want to be the best in the class, I just wanted to be better than some other guy who I did not like at the time. That, or I wanted to be the best of whatever small group I was clustered in. This selfish behavior continues on even now I think. I know in middle/high school I NEVER practiced my instrument, yet I was always 1st chair in my section, and I attended a few state competitions and won a few medals. Even now, I do not want to be the best teller, but I do want to be better than the small group around me. In my D&D group, I do not want to be the best in the world, but I do want to be the best at whatever table I am playing on.
I wonder what kind of pack-mentality it is I carry in me, and if it was influenced by people placing expectations upon me to do great things (most times, people look at my name and birthday, associate Jesus with me, and think I am so blessed to do wonderful things. Now, I am not saying one thing or another, but I will say I am me, and I will do what I can the best I can). Perhaps it was, and it was fueled further by my inner desires of power and security? In all this I tend to take failure hard, beign ashamed not only for myself, but for letting down the people who put faith in me. In addition, Ihave become highly critical of my own performance, with others viewing me as a perfectionist at times. In truth, I HATE tedious-ness and tend to be indulgently lazy. However, I want to be efficient, and in this I refer to the quote “efficiency is just intelligent laziness”
And so, with all these expectations, I hope to get a better job in the coming months, finish school once and for all, resurrect the COCO web forums from slothful decay … and put a dent in my game collection (damn all these hot releases in October/November).
In other news, KyuubiKit has undergone surgery today, and I find myself empathically concerned when she expressed some worries and anxiety about her wrist operations. I know she was drawing a pic of Black Waltz from Final Fantasy 9 (one of my favorite FF chars, though a minor villain) for me. In addition, she likely won’t be on xbox Live too much these days. I feel bad I was not able to play a quick campaign of Left 4 Dead with her last night before her surgery, even though she expressed a wanting to do so. With luck I can make it up to her sometime in spades…. In retrospect, its funny how I am caring so much about all of this. Really, with the new XBL dashboard, and our semi-Mii ‘Avatars’ I see hers and think ‘hey, pretty cute’, not to mention I love her voice and personality. Yet, the serious, cold part of me reminds me not to go too far into it just yet, as there is still much work to be done with school and work.
We shall see where this fight progresses.
In OTHER news, gas prices continue to fall ($1.56 over here in Suwanee, Georgia), Maverick Knight and I continue to slog through Gears of War 2 on Insane (and doing decently well… at least we are halfway through already), and I am re-visiting Too Human (a love-hate game, with an awesome soundtrack, great premise, and detailed armor system… but lame/sucky just-about-everything-else) to vindicated my pride and beat it without dying and get most/all achievements for it (incidently, once I found you can enable Japanese audio with Enlish subtitles it became a bit like a cheesy B-Movie). Mind you, I am not a gamerscore whore, I am simply a completionist who likes to accomplish what he can and what challenges he feels he can undertake feasibly. Soon on radar, Banjo-Kazooie: N&B, Portal:Still Alive, Mirror’s Edge, and Call of Duty: WoW. In addition, completion run of Silent Hill: Homecoming, progression in Warhammer MMO, and my game challenge vs Maverick Knight (I have ot beat Ninja Gaiden 2 on Warrior, and he... I am still working on his end of the deal...)
In conclusion to this stream of consciousness.... expectations are one thing, but so too are choices. Those choices are what make who we are and what we have to live with, but its under the expectations they are under that amplify or diminish their significance.
I wonder, really, how boring this part of my life has become. Truly, the days are either: go to work, deal with the problems of people I don't care about, make fun of said people, joke with coworkers (such a serious banker I am, no?), go home, chat with MaverickKnight, flirt with GlamPixie, play whatever game I am playing at the time, and go to bed. Or, perhaps its a go to school, try to stay awake during class, maybe chat during an uneventful one, brainstorm campaign ideas and houserules, then go home, do some homework, then chat with MaverickKnight, flirt with GlamPixie, play whatever game I am playing at the time, and go to bed. On sundays I play D&D, :p. However, with the recent workload increase, I not only have been playing less often, but spendign more time working on various academic projects. So, the drought of blogging is not without reason (true, I have not had much to talk about, but since when did that stop me from ranting on something before?)
Since last time, I suppose the one major thing I can comment about is the election. Now, to get thigns clear I DID vote, so I beleive that gives me the equal right to voice a legitimate opinion (because if you did not vote, I say your opinion is useless). Now, I sincerely do not care one way or the other who or what is in office, as long as they reinforce what America's roots. What are those, in case you have forgotten? Well, America has its roots in history in two things: wars and business. That is how this countyr was built and how it has survived to become as strong as it has. Therefore, in order to preserve this lifestyle, we need two things, a strong military and a strong corporate face. Despite any shenanigans by corporate america and how much people may hate it, we NEED big and small business.... we are a capitalist society, no doubt about it. Currently, both our military and business sector are hurting, and so the country is hurting. Common sense dictate you must prioritize our strongest platforms first, the military, which will address our standing with foreign policy (since Russia, china, and the middle east are up to funny stuff), and corporate america, which addresses our economy (one of the most, if not the most, pressing issue right now). Aaaand that's about as political as I feel like getting today, just spouting some common sense. Sometimes people become TOO elite and lose the one thing common people have: common sense.
